Seeking to Strengthen Marriage

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman and Nan Silver is a great book that reveals what successful relationships and marriages look like and includes valuable activities to help couples strengthen their relationship. He lists seven principles with activities for couples to try. The seven principles are: enhance you love maps, nurture your love fondness and admiration, turn toward each other instead of away, let your partner influence you, solve your solvable problems, overcome gridlock, and create shared meaning. Each of these principles are different and can strengthen relationships on many levels.

Enhancing your love maps in the first principle. This means that happy couples are very familiar with their partner’s world. It’s like you store relevant information about your partner in a certain section of your brain. You know everything about your partner, like what their favorite movie or food is, or even what their dreams are, and your partner knows yours. The next principle is nurture your fondness and admiration. This means that happy couples respect each other and have a positive view of each other. “If these elements are completely missing, the marriage can’t be saved,” says Gottman. These elements are vital in a relationship. He shares an activity to go along with this principle. The activity is called “I appreciate,” and it is a great activity because it reminds couples how much they love each other. Your partner reads their list to you, and then you read yours. The third principle is to turn toward one another instead of away. Let your spouse know that he or she is valued each and every day. Turning towards each other makes a connection between the couple and allows them to share how they feel. When rough times hit, then they can turn toward one another instead of against.

The fourth principle is to let your partner influence you. Happy couples make decisions together and search for a common outcome. They are a team that consider each other’s feelings and perspective. This principle is about respecting and honoring each other. The fifth principle is to solve your solvable problems. Gottman says that there are two types of marital problems: conflicts that can be resolved and perpetual problems that can’t. He lists 5 steps for resolving the conflict. They are:

Step 1. Soften your startup, which simply means starting the conversation without criticism or contempt.

Step 2. Make and receive “repair attempts.” Repair attempts are any action or statement that deescalates tension.

Step 3. Soothe yourself and your partner. Take a 20-minute break to calm down. Once you have calmed down, asked your partner how you might help them calm down.

Step 4. Compromise. Gottman suggests an activity for this one. He suggests that each partner draws two circles: a smaller and larger one. In the smaller one, make a list of your nonnegotiable points and in the bigger circle, make a list of what you can compromise on. Share them and look for common ground.

Step 5: Remember to be tolerant of each other’s faults. It is impossible to compromise unless you accept your own faults.

The sixth principle is to overcome gridlock. Gridlock is “a sign that you have dreams for your life that aren’t being addressed or respected by each other,” says Gottman. He also says that the goal is to ‘declaw’ the issue, to try to remove the hurt so the problem stops being a source of great pain (Gottman). The last principle is to create sharing meaning. Marriage isn’t just about splitting up the chores, raising kids, or loving each other. It has a spiritual meaning of creating a life together.

I have learned that these principles each have a special meaning and help happy couples create a family that includes both of their hopes and dreams. I want to use these principles once I am married to draw closer to my husband. Happy couples come together and this was a great book that shares all the different ways they can be strengthened.